I am feeling overly prolific lately and I’m not sure why. I’ve been reading some Eastern theological style books and my return to Aikido have definitely affected how I’m currently looking at the world. This combined with the loss of James seems to have placed me in an odd no mans land.
To be honest I don’t think I was raised to deal with death or even the loss of something. I’ve never had to deal with it really. I’ve seen death, my Grandma died about 11 years ago and my Grandpa died about 8 years ago. These deaths, however, were distant and while they touched me they didn’t touch me like James’ death did or even the couple of people that died recently at work. I’m not sure if its age or maturity or the fact that my own death looms larger on the horizon than it ever has before. With age comes the knowledge that the end is drawing nigh.
See I grew up in a family that was largely non-religious. From birth to my twenties I can count on one hand the number of times I went to church. I grew up in a ‘leave it to beaver’ family, we were the model and there was comfort and there was serenity on a scale few kids get to experience in today’s age. I am grateful, I really am. My brother and I are well balanced individuals because of it. But it did leave me without resources to deal with some of the stuff the world has dished out.
We live in a world of religion, at least here in my part of SoCal. There is a church on every corner and there are people everyday trying to ‘save me’. I sit back and I wonder why they feel the need to do this. Why are they trying to so hard? Why is there this need to belong? Do they need a scape-goat? God made me do it? Even the ‘rules’ with which we live by are dictated by these people. Right and Wrong is decided by these people. Why?
If we go back to my last post and the discussion of suffering I wonder if we are simply perpetrating the suffering by constantly trying to attain this level of perfection that someone from a society that barely exists anymore came up with 1000 or more years ago. What if readers we discovered that this is Heaven right here and now? What if we stripped away the idea that ‘they’re in a better place’ or ‘there was a reason for it’? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe that there is a veil between our pre-mortal existence and this existence. That if we were to be ‘allowed’ to see the pre-mortal existence we’d kill ourselves to return to the eternal bliss of heaven. They also believe that when we die we go to one of three levels of heaven. Obviously this is a simplification of nearly 200 years of dogma but it seems odd to me.
If the above is true than we are simply wasting away our days trying as hard as we might to live up to the expectations of a deity we can’t even prove exists. That’s sort of sad really. I mean some of us are taking so much time and energy to get to this mystical place that they’re missing the here and the now. I have a crazy idea….
What if we’re in Heaven right now?
No really, I’m serious. What if this is Heaven. Why couldn’t it be? I mean look at all of the crazy wondrous things we have in this world! The miracles, the happiness that we can have and the camaraderie and the family, this world could be the most wonderful existence EVER. So I know I know, why do bad things happen if this is Heaven? I honestly am not sure. I don’t think I’ve quite got an answer for that. Why would James die if we’re in Heaven? Perhaps he didn’t die so much as move on to another existence. Maybe the Mormons are right…except this is the pre-mortal existence. Think about it though. Why do we think this life sucks? Is it because we’re never happy with what we have? Is it because we’re constantly trying to achieve a ‘better’ reality? So strip away the trying and instead be content with what we have and the place we currently find ourselves. If we stop trying for something that isn’t really real would our world be better? I think so.
It’s odd because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding this great truth. It’s right there and the tips of my fingers and the more I try to define it the further away it gets. It’s like that dream where you chase a person and they never get closer. I’m not sure this makes sense…I’m not really sure I care. I do know that I promise myself to at least attempt to look at the world around me from this new perspective. Maybe in the end it’ll all be as clear as mud!
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