Stop the horror folks....

I am feeling overly prolific lately and I’m not sure why. I’ve been reading some Eastern theological style books and my return to Aikido have definitely affected how I’m currently looking at the world. This combined with the loss of James seems to have placed me in an odd no mans land.

To be honest I don’t think I was raised to deal with death or even the loss of something. I’ve never had to deal with it really. I’ve seen death, my Grandma died about 11 years ago and my Grandpa died about 8 years ago. These deaths, however, were distant and while they touched me they didn’t touch me like James’ death did or even the couple of people that died recently at work. I’m not sure if its age or maturity or the fact that my own death looms larger on the horizon than it ever has before. With age comes the knowledge that the end is drawing nigh.

See I grew up in a family that was largely non-religious. From birth to my twenties I can count on one hand the number of times I went to church. I grew up in a ‘leave it to beaver’ family, we were the model and there was comfort and there was serenity on a scale few kids get to experience in today’s age. I am grateful, I really am. My brother and I are well balanced individuals because of it. But it did leave me without resources to deal with some of the stuff the world has dished out.

We live in a world of religion, at least here in my part of SoCal. There is a church on every corner and there are people everyday trying to ‘save me’. I sit back and I wonder why they feel the need to do this. Why are they trying to so hard? Why is there this need to belong? Do they need a scape-goat? God made me do it? Even the ‘rules’ with which we live by are dictated by these people. Right and Wrong is decided by these people. Why?

If we go back to my last post and the discussion of suffering I wonder if we are simply perpetrating the suffering by constantly trying to attain this level of perfection that someone from a society that barely exists anymore came up with 1000 or more years ago. What if readers we discovered that this is Heaven right here and now? What if we stripped away the idea that ‘they’re in a better place’ or ‘there was a reason for it’? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe that there is a veil between our pre-mortal existence and this existence. That if we were to be ‘allowed’ to see the pre-mortal existence we’d kill ourselves to return to the eternal bliss of heaven. They also believe that when we die we go to one of three levels of heaven. Obviously this is a simplification of nearly 200 years of dogma but it seems odd to me.

If the above is true than we are simply wasting away our days trying as hard as we might to live up to the expectations of a deity we can’t even prove exists. That’s sort of sad really. I mean some of us are taking so much time and energy to get to this mystical place that they’re missing the here and the now. I have a crazy idea….

What if we’re in Heaven right now?

No really, I’m serious. What if this is Heaven. Why couldn’t it be? I mean look at all of the crazy wondrous things we have in this world! The miracles, the happiness that we can have and the camaraderie and the family, this world could be the most wonderful existence EVER. So I know I know, why do bad things happen if this is Heaven? I honestly am not sure. I don’t think I’ve quite got an answer for that. Why would James die if we’re in Heaven? Perhaps he didn’t die so much as move on to another existence. Maybe the Mormons are right…except this is the pre-mortal existence. Think about it though. Why do we think this life sucks? Is it because we’re never happy with what we have? Is it because we’re constantly trying to achieve a ‘better’ reality? So strip away the trying and instead be content with what we have and the place we currently find ourselves. If we stop trying for something that isn’t really real would our world be better? I think so.

It’s odd because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding this great truth. It’s right there and the tips of my fingers and the more I try to define it the further away it gets. It’s like that dream where you chase a person and they never get closer. I’m not sure this makes sense…I’m not really sure I care. I do know that I promise myself to at least attempt to look at the world around me from this new perspective. Maybe in the end it’ll all be as clear as mud!

Suffering...or Why I need to stop trying to find a better job!!

Buddhists believe that life is suffering. I believe that this may even be their first point and I know it is probably one of the most often quoted idioms of any form of Buddhism. The question is ‘what is suffering’? I have often wondered this but never truly explored the idea until recently.

What is suffering?
Is it the loss of a child, a parent, a friend, an enemy?
Is it the loss of money?
Is it the loss of possessions, freedom, an arm, a leg?

Is suffering more mental than the above items? Is suffering the culmination of every bad thing that has ever happened to you from the moment you are born to the moment you die?

I have suffered…who hasn’t really. I’ve suffered indignities, embarrassment and more. Are these things what suffering really is about from the Buddhist perspective?

I’m wondering if it is more in the mental realm. As I begin my journey back into the ranks of the Akidoka and I begin to explore where my center truly lies I wonder if suffering is more along the lines of wanting what you cannot have.

We as humans go through this life constantly searching for that One Thing that is going to bring us happiness. For some of us its more money, for others it is more possessions, more children, a different boss, a different job. Anything that is going to get us over whatever hump we are currently residing behind.

I know that I’ve done it. If the job sucks I go back to school. I struggle to some how achieve that which I don’t care about because I know that if I complete it…their will be wonderous doors that open and the angels will sing and life will be good…..only their won’t be. If complete a Bachelors degree, a Masters degree, hell a PhD in the end I will still be stuck at a job with all of the things that go with a job; office politics, backstabbing, bad hours. None of it will go away, ever!

How many people have sold homes, moved to other states, taken a gazillion odd jobs all in an effort to find that one happy place that everyone dreams about? How many people have thought they’ve found the perfect place…until the next perfect place pops up in their little world? Is this the suffering the Buddhists talk about? Is this constant search for the unattainable the true suffering? I’m beginning to think it might be. As I look back on my life I begin to see a pattern.

I get miserable…I seek something better…I find it…I get miserable again and I seek again. Over and over and over through out life. I am never happy on this moment, this Now. I am forever looking to the future…the past…never my mind on where. I. Am. (Thank you Yoda for a great quote).

So then the key here is to live in the moment right? Not as easy as it might seem. Tomorrow is my last day off after a nearly two week vacation. Its been nice, its been relaxing but I find myself growing tense as the first day back draws near. I keep wishing for one more day, a few more hours. As I wish for these things my Now is slipping away quicker and quicker, sands through the hour glass. Rather than sitting, staring at the sand and lamenting over the lost time I need to embrace the Now and enjoy the moments I have.

So is suffering really our human quest to better ourselves or the attempted fulfillment of impossible dreams. Is suffering our seemingly innate need to create our own private utopia? Would we even know the utopia if we saw it. If we died today and went to ‘Heaven’ would we be happy with it? Or would we be wishing we were back on Earth so we could say goodbye…’if only I hadn’t smoked that last cigarette’…’if only I had turned left instead of right.’ So I say to you the reader, stop striving for that perfect job, wife, girl/boy friend, car, house, kid and instead concentrate on what you do have. Enjoy what you have now with each and every fiber of your being. That is the path to true happiness…and dare I say enlightenment…well maybe not enlightenment on a Buddhist Priest scale but for little ol’ me its probably as close as I’ll get! But then there I go wishing for something that isn’t really attainable. Try it dear reader, you never know what you might discover!

Who am I? Where do I stand? What is my reality?

Who am I? Is this my reality? These are questions that have been permeating my mind of late. With the recent passing of our unborn son I keep trying to latch onto the idea that there is some higher, more enlightened state of mind, some sort of ultimate reality. While watching the movie Gladiator starring Russel Crowe I kept hearing this idea of another life, a world after our own. It is a prevalent idea in many of the world religions. Karma, afterlife, heaven, 1000 some odd virgins to cater to your every needs; all of these are some how represented in the worlds religions as possible worlds beyond our own. Part me wants to believe so badly that it hurts. I want to think that James is somehow waiting for us to come see him, part of me wants to be assured that I will have a time to get to know him. But another part of me simply knows that he is no more, that we will all be no more when our last day finally ticks away.

So I ask again who am I? Is this reality? And what is it all for? Some Buddhist priests think that we must not cling to anyone thing or place any one person, place or thing above another. To give more meaning to one ants life over that of a mosquito is to throw life off kilter. To place James above any other person in my life is to throw my life out of balance. All things should be held in balance no one item given undue attention, emphasis, or ranking in life. The life of a stranger has the same importance as the life of my wife, daughters, sons (born and unborn). This is a hard road to go down, a difficult rocky road and yet a road that holds fascination for me. It seems to be accurate, and fair in a balanced poignant way.

In a way this idea is supported in modern ‘self-help’ ideals through books like Stephen Covey’s ‘7 Habits for Highly Effective People’ in which no one thing should be the focus of our center. If family, wife, enemy, money or self is at the center of your world you lose balance in life. If the natural laws of the world are at your center life is more balanced. These natural laws, or principals, are unmoving, unchanging, uncaring and they will not fight with you or divorce you or talk back to you. They simply exist and…are what they are.

So what are these principles? What is my reality? Do these principles make up my reality? Will they guide me towards some inwards looking enlightenment that solves all of my problems? Will I live long enough to understand these principals and by the time I understand them will I be young enough to actually do anything with them? If I live by these principals will I be able to…in the end see James or will I, like everyone else in this world, end up as so much dust drifting on the winds of change through the annals of time never to settle?

I do not write these things to morbid or to some how gain pity from the readers of these words. I ask these questions because I am truly interested in the questions answers. It is no odd thing for those who know me to understand that I find a lack of comfort in the ideas espoused by the Judeo-Christian world and so I seek some enlightenment from alternative places. Do the answers lie, as Dr. Covey suggests, in the principals of the world? I think that to some extent they do. Understanding who I am and where my center lies may lead ultimately to a higher understanding of what my reality really is. The questions, however, of where we go…what we do…and who we do it with in the afterlife will be answers I suppose I’ll share with the rest of you when we get to the other side….and hopefully that will be a long long time from now! ;-) In the end I suppose we must find our balance….seek our center and choose to proactively find our happiness in the Now for as long as our Now continues to exist.